Adoption

Wayne & I have this feeling that we are not quite finished with parenting.  For what it's worth, his own children choose not to soak in the opportunities that our parenting could provide.  Their birth mother, Wayne's ex, has given them some information about how to be an adult, that conflicts with the information we've given to them.  I'm astounded at the things they come up with from time to time, more astounded by the stuff they've come up with after a recent visit from her, but I've learned to live with the fact that they will always think we're pretty stupid and boring for thinking that a J-O-B is an important thing, and a TRIP TO EUROPE is something that comes after years of working, planning and saving up for it.  We will never convince them that the summer before a last year of college is NOT their last chance for fun in life before the drudgery starts, but...

We hope they will eventually all be happily employed, and that the drudgery they anticipate will not be as bad as they fear.  At this point, we have more energy to provide information than they have willingness to take.

So what does a parent do when they have more parenting in them than children available?  They consider adoption.  Well, not all do, some just consider waiting for the opportunity to be a grandparent, but we think grandparenting is the proper moment to spoil a child, and we hope that our older children will be launched, at least further than they are at the moment, before grandchildren arrive. 

Before I met Wayne, I was considering adoption as a single parent, and several years ago, when I mentioned it to him, he thought it was nutty, until I mentioned that I had no intention of starting from scratch, at day one.  I do NOT want to adopt an infant.  I am selfish enough that I want to be able to retire someday.  And I would like to have the kids finished with college before social security sets in... or at least close to finished.  I don't want to be attending undergraduate graduation parties at age 75!  Once he hear that, and realized how many young people are stranded without families at very vulnerable ages, he decided that it was a good idea. 

We started with foster care, and got a home study for foster-adoption.  With the groups of kids (some sibling groups) that have come through our house, we've developed a feel for how to manage certain issues with children who have come from a chaotic environment.  If normal parents need to be pretty organized in order to maintain a sense of security in their household, then foster parents need to be extremely organized.  Certain forms of discipline are not permitted... frankly, forms of discipline that I had never considered are on the "unpermitted" list, so that's not much of a problem, but when you see the "unpermitted" list, you start to think... so.. if not that, then HOW?...

In most cases, anticipating the issues and resolving them before they become issues is a big tactic.  First, it's tough for kids to just take whatever shows up on their plate at dinner time.  It's a whole lot easier if they have time to anticipate and think through the dinner plans.  So we have a basic plan for every week.  Tacos on Tuesdays, for example, and Pizza on Fridays.  When we're just on our own, we are a little loose about the schedule  But if we have kids in the house, we post the schedule on a calendar and teach it to them.  Knowing what's going to be on the plate solves a ton of tantrums when it's not the mac & cheese that they were hoping for.

Another food-related rule... we have the kids help us prepare the vegetables.  Usually in the form of a salad.  Since vegetables tend to be a challenging thing for children to eat, we get their hands involved in the making of it.  They get to taste the dressings and put a few nuts or raisins on the lettuce.  They get to taste the little popcorn tomatoes and feel how they pop in their mouth, and choose whether to put them on the salad or maybe try the on the side with some dressing to dip in.  We find that if they help make the salads and we all eat it around the breakfast bar while we're cooking up the rest of the dinner, they get a whole lot more vegetables into their tummies before they even know what hit them!

And then dessert only happens after they've eaten enough of what is on their plate.  They don't need to save space for dessert, they can have it an hour after dinner, but they don't get dessert until they have eaten at least an appropriate amount of the nutritious dinner that we have made.  Whether or not they are allowed to eat the sweets is entirely their choice.  If they whine that they're hungry, they can finish their dinner (we can warm it up for them), and if they whine that they want their dessert, we tell them that they can have dessert as soon as dinner is finished.  It's as simple as that, and while it does not entirely cut out all whining, we have effectively cut down on it by a giant step.  Given that the kids we get in our house are children who have been raised on diets that are often VERY MUCH NOT LIKE what we usually eat.  Maybe they eat potatoes for every meal, or McDonald's happy meals 7 dinners a week... or mac & cheese as a staple.  The fact that they will not get exactly what their chaotic previous home gave them, makes mealtime difficult from the start, so every little step we can make in helping the kids understand and be more comfortable and willing to eat and participate, the better. 

A clutter rule... anything not put away properly (after warnings) goes to jail.  It simply disappears.  If they ask for it, then they don't get it back until 24 hours passes.  This works well for a favorite jacket that didn't get hung up, or a toy they were playing with and didn't put away.  If they let it drop where it landed and did not put it away despite my reminders, it will disappear.  After they ask if I know where it is, I tell them that it's went to our jail for being out of place, and now that they're noticed it and want it back, they need to wait until the next day.  "This time tomorrow, you can have it back."  It becomes a little game.  But they know they'll get it back and can anticipate the fun of having it again.  And we can discuss where it lives so that they won't it again.

Yes, this kind of parenting is more intensive, requires more work, more listening to whining... cooking for ourselves, making whatever we have ingredients for, putting it on the table without having to supervise them doing the cooking... yelling about stuff that's not put away or putting it away to avoid the yelling... it all makes the chores easier to accomplish, but these things do not teach the children how to manage things... how to eat what is fixed for them by someone who is not a short-order cook... how to clean up after themselves. 

The theory is that if you do this enough, they'll eventually require less supervision.  The reality is that as they learn these lessons, there are others that we need to impart, other labor-intensive parenting tasks that will help the kids get a step closer towards adulthood, independence, success.  If we do it right, it's labor intensive.  But we've done it with a few kids so far, in relatively short term (1-3 months long), and so far it's successful.  No need to do all the "no-nos" when you parent like this.  No withholding of food or sending them to bed without their dinner, if you avoid the food struggle before it starts, you know?   

dogs & kids ... not so different

I just read an article in Modern Dog magazine about how there are groups of therapy dogs who help children learn about bullying.  In general, the dog and handler will spend an hour a day for a week in a class, where the handler will teach the children about how to be a good pet owner.  They use this opportunity to teach the children any number of interesting concepts.  In this case, mostly concepts about bullying.  How to recognize it, how bullies often start by being mean to pets or other animals, how bullies behave and how bullying can be stopped.  It is easy and natural for a child to feel empathy & become protective of an animal, some will recognize that they have been bullies, others recognize that they have been bullied.  And others have watched bullying and not known what to do.  This program helps them learn how to intervene, and to choose to intervene in the first place.

Apparently, the program can work miracles. I believe it.

I have used dogs to teach another issue... about our internal energies, and our food needs, and our socialization and our need for discipline and to know our place in life.

Dogs need to be fed healthy food.  They will eat what you give them, and if you give them junk, you will end up with an unhealthy dog. 

Dogs need a certain amount of exercise.  Inertia is not natural.  We train ourselves and dogs to learn to sit quietly, but naturally, both people and dogs have a certain amount of energy that they want to work out.  Learning to self-regulate behavior without taking the opportunity to work off this natural energy, is counterproductive.  We end up feeling stressed, distracted, and even physically uncomfortable.  We self-medicate with foods that cause sluggishness, and we wonder why our society has started being more pudgy than healthy. 

If we do not give our dogs enough opportunity to work off their energy, we end up with a chewy, yippy dog.  The same happens with children... oh, you're right, they probably won't chew up your shoes if you don't take them for a morning walk, but ... just try this experiment.  For one week after school, bring them home, sit them down, make them do their homework immediately and don't let them bounce around.  You'll see distracted, frustrated children whose adrenaline is not being worked off... the next week, bring them home from school and have them do 45 minutes of physical activity, then give them 15 minutes to calm down, before they sit down and do their homework... I'll BET you see less of the chewy-puppy-like behavior and a lot more calmness. 

But start also looking at the other aspects of responsible dog ownership and you'll see more similarities.  Dogs need to be properly socialized.  So do humans.  Dogs need to have consistent, easy-to understand rules with many reminders... so do young humans.  Dogs respond better to positive behavior controls rather than physical punishment... don't be surprised to hear that humans ALSO respond better to positive behavior controls.

My dog knows that treats come to good puppies, and pups who jump up on visitors do not get treats.  Pups only get treats if they sit properly and politely.  (oh yeah, and treats for her are less about food and more about praise, attention, or the opportunity to play fetch). 

And children in my house know that if they want to watch TV or use any electronic device, they need to finish their homework first.  If they want to fuss & delay over the homework, the ability to watch TV or play video games will be delayed until they have finished their work first. 

It's not a perfect system, but it's amazingly effective, and all done without anyone ever having to worry about time out, or spanking, or yelling... Like I said, it's not perfect.  I've had a dog bark at me because I'm not throwing the Frisbee fast enough... or a child yell because she really does not feel like doing her homework right now... but there is always a choice.  I'll throw the Frisbee after you stop barking, we'll turn on the TV once the homework is finished... you can keep barking or yelling or delaying as long as you want.  I'm fine with that.  When you're ready, we can get on with the fun. 

Of course, if the dog is too full of barking or the child is too full of bouncing, maybe I've not given them enough activity, and so if I want to encourage them to succeed, I need to re-think my organization.  Make sure they've worked off their friskies before I expect them to be able to sit quietly... it's not rocket science.