I just heard the most astute saying EVER, about raising kids to be a success.
If you want to help your kids, give them nothing. If you want to ruin your kids, give them everything.
It should go without saying, but too many people of my generation have flipped their priorities, and have ruined the kids. There are lots of excuses... such as feeling guilt for not spending as much time with the kids, or wanting to give the kids everything that Mom & Dad didn't have while growing up... perfectly noble causes, despite being misguided. Parents with those excuses (or similar ones) can be helped. If they think about this, recognize their errors, and work at it, they can change.
It's not easy, you've got to live with some whining from children who are used to getting everything, who have been taught to have self-esteem without achievement, to have pride without having worked for anything to be proud of... and that everyone gets a trophy, whether they win or lose. There have been no "losers" in their teams, schools or clubs, so the introduction to the rejection of the adult world will be harder on them. If you can, introduce them early, to the fact that you don't ALWAYS get a trophy, that you don't ALWAYS get what you want, that unconditional love does not mean unlimited spending. If you have bought into the theory that everyone should be a winner and "learning to lose" involves getting a crown at the end of the tournament even though you did not make as many points as the winner, then it's going to be hard to pull back and help your kids learn these harder lessons, but you must. If they do not learn how to acknowledge a mistake and learn from it, rather than ignore it and be proud of themselves for simply being themselves, then they will not succeed in our world. If you raise your children to take whatever is given without ever having to work for it, or to give back, then you are raising future welfare mothers.
But if you understand this principle, then you can succeed at being a parent. Do for yourself, what you need to help them learn to do. Acknowledge that you may have made a mistake, that you need to change, and that it will not be easy. Then set some limits and guidelines for yourself and work at it. It might be hard work, and it's not fair that you have to work this hard, to endure your children's cries of "unfair", when you have just come home from a 9 hour workday and 2 hours of commute time... you're exhausted, barely had time to shop for dinner, and now have kids with homework and a preference for plopping in front of the TV and cellphone rather than finishing the homework... they want you to pick up McDonald's rather than cook a balanced meal. It's very easy to let them do as they want, and then find ways to excuse it... look for loopholes for turning in the homework late, or do it for them, or ... well, whatever... rather than listen to their complaints. But that is the job you took on when you decided to become a parent, and it's not supposed to be easy.
Luckily, the rewards for a job well done will be plentiful, when the time comes.
With children, you need to learn the value of deferred gratification. And to the extent that you have learned it, you must also teach it. It is well worth the effort.
There is a different kind of parent, the type whose excuse for giving everything to the kids is less about the kids and more about themselves, more particularly, about their battle with their co-parent. The type of giving that is about bribing the kids to like you more than your co-parent. For parents who are busily telling the kids, "life would be better with me because I can afford more fun for you", or, "your other parent WOULD pay for you to have fun if they loved you enough... but since they don't, I will pay for it... it may put me in the poorhouse, but I'll give you EVERYTHING" (and believe me, as a divorce lawyer, I'm sorry to say I learned that this is not as rare as it should be)... they are not only messing up the kids' relationships with the other parent, they are messing up the kid's relationship with money, and the kids' understanding of what it takes to work to get something.
Those parents, with that excuse for giving everything to the kids, are probably never going to really understand the depth of how big a mess they are making. The infamous problem of children of divorce is undoubtedly in large part caused by parents who are continuing their personal battles by raising the children like this.
This type of parent, unfortunately, does not have the instinct that tells them how to protect the kids from their own inappropriate feelings. With luck, they have simply been in too much pain to recognize this. With luck, for the sake of their kids, they will be able to open up their minds to the possibility that maybe they have made a mistake, and then be able to correct it. For many, it will take therapy.
This type of parenting, the RIGHT type of parenting, that will give your kids the tools they need to work, is humble. It's less about the price of being a mother, the motherly instinct, and mother's day,... it's less about being a martyr... less about being a soccer mom, less about being praised for being motherly, and more about being a traditional, self-sacrificing mother. The type of mother who supports the child and is willing to let them fall so they will learn better to walk. Who endures their kids' claims that they are not cool, that they are mean... because Mom knows that being mean and un-cool is what it takes to get the homework done and keep the inappropriate media options away from the kids' eyes. The RIGHT type of parenting is learning how to maintain the connection between your co-parent and the child, even if you are estranged from the co-parent. And if you are the parent who does not get to have the child overnight at least half the time, it's about learning how to maintain the connection without resorting to tricks like giving the kids expensive gifts.
When you are separated as co-parents, learning how to give your child "nothing", (and thereby, giving the child the experience they need to get themselves EVERYTHING), involves learning how to be a cooperative co-parent rather than a competitive co-parent. Because in a competition, the co-parent who wins will be the one who spends more. And that, ultimately, is what spoils the child.
Spoil your child with attention, with closeness, with letting them work side-by-side with you in the yard or kitchen. Spoil your child with your time. Spoil the child with your emotional toughness. Be impervious to their begging for random stuff. But don't spoil them with the stuff. PLEASE. The best thing you can do for your home economy, is to exercise extreme caution when it comes to spending on the children.
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