Oh what a sad thought, that not everything could be improved with bacon. For a while, I was improving everything with bacon. Chocolate was wonderfully better if it was on bacon (and wasn't bacon SO much better with the chocolate all over it!??) Pasta is better with bacon (national dish of italy... pasta carbonnara), and so is salad. And nearly every sandwich is improved with the addition of bacon.
But... I figured there was an end to this wonderfulness somewhere. And I found it.
Grilled cheese is NOT better with bacon. Neither is a quesadilla. Yes, I know that many people are making exactly that type of combination as a current popular dish. But it doesn't work. Fat on fat on fat... just one too many. Butter or mayo or grease to fry the thing combined with cheese AND bacon... it's just too much. There's plenty of salt already in each of these dishes, with the cheese, so the salt pellet that a bite of bacon delivers is just excessive. Every once in a while, you just want to satisfy that part of your mouth that says, "I need salt and fat and creamy bacony crispness... I need mayo and butter and bacon and cheese all in the same dish... let me have that heart attack on a plate, please!" But three bites into it, all your needs for fatty, bacony, creamy, salty crispness is satisfied, and all that's left is 9/10 of a sandwich that you just hate to waste, but every bite makes you feel more & more sluggish, starts to sit like a lump in your stomach, and makes you need a nap, fast.
It's odd that something that sounds just SO RIGHT (heck, there's a reason lots of people put it on the menus,,, it DOES SOUND good, before you've tried it once or twice), but is just so wrong.
Not a lot different than many things in life. It's a matter of balance. And in these over-fatted, oversalted, overly savory dishes... they're out of balance.
If a 2 week vacation is good, a 2 year vacation might be better, right? No... wrong. There's something fun about forgetting your responsibilities for a while, particularly if you've planned for the expense and have got it all fit into your life... the time away from family, the money from your savings, the research you've done into the location ... these things are what makes it possible for you to free your mind and delve into the time off. And getting back to work is drudgery, for sure. Facing the stack of mail that was saved for you in your absence, doing the laundry and cooking for yourself again, having ot make your own bed rather than rely upon hotel staff...
But just because you (and I, and most everyone we know) complains about the drudgery of getting back to work, does NOT mean that work is something we might want to avoid in life. Work makes us feel good about ourselves, self-sufficient, special. We are accomplished and talented when we're at work. Or (even if we feel like our career is in the toilet and we're only sticking around for the paycheck) at least we are responsible members of society when the fruits of our labor makes it possible to pay our own rent and keep food on our own tables.
I'm at this stage in life where, for about the past decade and for about another decade, the people who are my friends are going through the launching of their children into the world. We're either kicking them out of the nest as soon as high school is over, or we're attending college graduations and then having to make decisions about whether to welcome them back for a while, and for how long if we do... In the process, it seems that my generation has done our kids' generation a disservice. About half of the kids who are graduating*, are doing so with the attitude that work is something to be avoided, minimized. That employers should be thankful that they are willing to show up for work, that paid vacation time is an inalienable right. They are surprised when failing to show up for work because they're taking it easy for the day, might get them fired.
They have been trained by us that the grindstone, the drudgery, the AWFULNESS of WORK, is worth avoiding, is beneath them. When WE graduated college, our parents were commenting that we were trying to get THINGS that THEY would have had to save and wait for... that we were using too much credit to accumulate stuff, that we were being impatient and expecting a higher lifestyle than our stage of life would suggest. Eventually we "got it". But in the process, we have lost something that our own parents' generation had. We took those first steps towards expecting others to take care of us. We demanded health benefits for everyone, and minimum wages that would support a family of 4. We insisted on the right for women to "choose", whether to work or stay home, whether to become a parent or not. And we did not even envision the need to become a one-car family if we could only AFFORD one car on one salary... no, we expected two cars and we insisted on GETTING THEM. WE convinced lenders to come up wtih creative financing deals so that we could accomplish this, stretching payments out to 7 years on cars we knew were going to become a problem to maintain after only 5 years, routinely rolling over upside down car loans into a new car loan whenever we wanted to get a new one, and even choosing to get long term leases on our vehicles, an option previously only appropriate for busineses that could write off the lease costs as costs of doing business.
WE are the generation that decided that zero down payments and high loan -to-value ratios were appropriate for home loans, because WE decided that the previous generation's ethic of requiring WORK and SAVING for a home should not be as difficult as it was.
And our choice to turn work into a lower priority, a drudgery... something to be avoided... it has started to seep into the next generation. But with a deeper problem... the current generation graduating high school and college have not witnessed their parents making it through hardship by working harder. Our generation has just made it through our most recent hardship, by declaring bankruptcy, allowing foreclosures, and looking for part time work (that we complain about loudly as not being able to sustain us). We have injected the kids with a big dose of "work is bad" pill, and now that they're graduating college and thinking... as their first post-college experience... that a trip to Europe is in order... a necessary relief from the long, hard, difficult studying days of college... and they'll think of work IF and WHEN they NEED to.
Yep, if they're boomeranguing back into our houses, if we've got SO MANY kids returning home rather than working, that we have a new term for it (boomerang kids)... it's our own darned fault.
Now... how does one convince a young adult that it's time to get a J-O-B? A kid who complained about working 10 WHOLE HOURS a week during summers in college???
Don't ask me. Best I can do is NOT open the doors for the boomerang. NOT offer to liquidate my retirement account to finance their latest desire to have a new car, or a trip to Europe, or ... whatever. Good luck kids. Your parents have not done you any favors by letting you think that life can be all bacon and no salad. It's too bad.
Because a BLT is a WHOLE lot better with L & T!
* This is just from casual observation, I can't cite a scientific study about this right now, though I know some have been done about the attitudes of the current 20-somethings... if I get a good source to cite, I will give a more scientifically supported statistic here.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
OMG the WHINING!!!
Since when did we become a nation of whimps? As parents, we fear the whining of our children. Even the slightest expression of discomfort by a child brings it's parents into compliance with nearly anything they want.
And once you establish a baseline of inappropriate behavior, the child uses that as a new base from which to negotiate more inappropriate behavior. Every step in the wrong direction just brings more opportunities for whining to get even more.
That is the job of the young ones... to test our limits. And whining is the hallmark of a limit being tested. I don't WANT to go to bed yet. I don't WANT to eat my peas. I didn't WANT a hot dog, I wanted a HAM-BURGER!!! WHAAAAAAA!
Next thing you know, Mom is turned into a short order cook, making sure every kid gets their own whims addressed. Suzy won't eat rice and Johnny won't eat pasta. So we make two of everything, every night... one with a side dish of pasta, the other with a side dish or rice. WHEEE!!!
Failing to set limits and enforce them, even with all the whining going on, only sets the stage for more difficult moments later on. I have a friend who is struggling right now with her daughter's need to purchase a new car. A few days ago, her old car was totalled. This is the second car that this child has totalled, and Daddy believes that of course his 22 year old baby girl has not been at fault for ANY of the problems she's had. THey're taking the insurance money and looking for a brand new car. A BRAND NEW car. Not a USED car, like what Mom & Dad always buy, and what Mom & Dad and big brother drive.. no... a BRAND NEW car... because baby girl has been researching cars and found one that she likes and of course it happens to be a NEW car model and why would anyone get an OLD car when they CAN get new...
Baby girl doesn't have a real job yet... just an internship that's scheduled to start in a week or so... but never mind, Daddy will co-sign. Because after all, if he doesn't, she will be disappointed. And we have not been teaching our children (now young adults) to withstand the crushing disappointment of having to accept a car that is not what we might have hoped to get. If he changes his mind now, she might have to re-research the whole thing, go shopping for a USED car (one that she can afford without a loan and a co-signer)...
It's all so sad, poor kid. Did all this work to find the PERFECT car for herself, and without her parent's help, she might be denied the opportunity to HAVE that car. Mind you, Mom & Dad do not drive new cars. They are NOT the "new car buying" types.
Somewhere along the line, this Daddy stopped wanting to endure baby girl's whining. I'm sure he figures he's finished with the hard part of parenting and it's time to enjoy the kid as she sails into adulthood, finds love, gets married, finds job fulfillment, has babies, and starts to visit on holidays and beg for Mom to PLEASE do everything the way it was done when she was little... because all that stuff that she fussed & whined about back then, is suddenly precious to her now.
But she's not there yet. None of them are. Parenting doesn't really stop, ever... does it? Hopefully, someday, I will train my kids how to gracefully accept aging, how to manage the long term planning and thriving... how to continue to be a lifelong learner, long after the job requirement for continuing education has ended.
Unfortunately, too many people today are letting the kids' whining change their minds about stuff... about requiring the kids to study... about requiring the kids to entertain themselves without the use of electronics... about requiring the kids to eat WHATEVER Mom puts on the table.
Today, on Fox News Network, there was an interview of an educator, about Common Core. Suddenly, I understand. It's about having common requirements for what kids should know. It's not about "teaching to the test"... but unfortunately, that's what a lot of teachers and school systems have turned it into. They teach to the test, not to the information. They're not as much about teaching the kids how to think, as they are about teaching them to memorize a lot of standard information. I suppose this is an improvement over the dumbing down of education where 1 plus 1 didn't ALWAYS equal 2... or rather answering things OTHER than two didn't necessarily mean that the kid was going to fail the test. If he could come up with an explanation of how he GOT to the other answer, he could get partial credit. At least Common Core, in theory, SHOULD do away with that nonsense.
SO, what does this have to do with my Whining rant? Well... the educator being interviewed pointed out that the biggest complaints about Common Core was that parents were upset that the children were whining, having difficulty with the concepts, upset about their homework. And this educator pointed out that this is the job of a parent, to make the kids DO the homework, to help them learn the hard concepts, and not to let the kid's whining stop them from that goal.
BRILLIANT!
Why didn't I think of that?
OK... so here's what I think. There's a saying, "if you look good while you're exercising, you are not exercising hard enough"... I think maybe we should apply this principle to parenting and whining... "if your kids are not whining, you're not parenting properly"... hmmm... maybe it'll work.
And once you establish a baseline of inappropriate behavior, the child uses that as a new base from which to negotiate more inappropriate behavior. Every step in the wrong direction just brings more opportunities for whining to get even more.
That is the job of the young ones... to test our limits. And whining is the hallmark of a limit being tested. I don't WANT to go to bed yet. I don't WANT to eat my peas. I didn't WANT a hot dog, I wanted a HAM-BURGER!!! WHAAAAAAA!
Next thing you know, Mom is turned into a short order cook, making sure every kid gets their own whims addressed. Suzy won't eat rice and Johnny won't eat pasta. So we make two of everything, every night... one with a side dish of pasta, the other with a side dish or rice. WHEEE!!!
Failing to set limits and enforce them, even with all the whining going on, only sets the stage for more difficult moments later on. I have a friend who is struggling right now with her daughter's need to purchase a new car. A few days ago, her old car was totalled. This is the second car that this child has totalled, and Daddy believes that of course his 22 year old baby girl has not been at fault for ANY of the problems she's had. THey're taking the insurance money and looking for a brand new car. A BRAND NEW car. Not a USED car, like what Mom & Dad always buy, and what Mom & Dad and big brother drive.. no... a BRAND NEW car... because baby girl has been researching cars and found one that she likes and of course it happens to be a NEW car model and why would anyone get an OLD car when they CAN get new...
Baby girl doesn't have a real job yet... just an internship that's scheduled to start in a week or so... but never mind, Daddy will co-sign. Because after all, if he doesn't, she will be disappointed. And we have not been teaching our children (now young adults) to withstand the crushing disappointment of having to accept a car that is not what we might have hoped to get. If he changes his mind now, she might have to re-research the whole thing, go shopping for a USED car (one that she can afford without a loan and a co-signer)...
It's all so sad, poor kid. Did all this work to find the PERFECT car for herself, and without her parent's help, she might be denied the opportunity to HAVE that car. Mind you, Mom & Dad do not drive new cars. They are NOT the "new car buying" types.
Somewhere along the line, this Daddy stopped wanting to endure baby girl's whining. I'm sure he figures he's finished with the hard part of parenting and it's time to enjoy the kid as she sails into adulthood, finds love, gets married, finds job fulfillment, has babies, and starts to visit on holidays and beg for Mom to PLEASE do everything the way it was done when she was little... because all that stuff that she fussed & whined about back then, is suddenly precious to her now.
But she's not there yet. None of them are. Parenting doesn't really stop, ever... does it? Hopefully, someday, I will train my kids how to gracefully accept aging, how to manage the long term planning and thriving... how to continue to be a lifelong learner, long after the job requirement for continuing education has ended.
Unfortunately, too many people today are letting the kids' whining change their minds about stuff... about requiring the kids to study... about requiring the kids to entertain themselves without the use of electronics... about requiring the kids to eat WHATEVER Mom puts on the table.
Today, on Fox News Network, there was an interview of an educator, about Common Core. Suddenly, I understand. It's about having common requirements for what kids should know. It's not about "teaching to the test"... but unfortunately, that's what a lot of teachers and school systems have turned it into. They teach to the test, not to the information. They're not as much about teaching the kids how to think, as they are about teaching them to memorize a lot of standard information. I suppose this is an improvement over the dumbing down of education where 1 plus 1 didn't ALWAYS equal 2... or rather answering things OTHER than two didn't necessarily mean that the kid was going to fail the test. If he could come up with an explanation of how he GOT to the other answer, he could get partial credit. At least Common Core, in theory, SHOULD do away with that nonsense.
SO, what does this have to do with my Whining rant? Well... the educator being interviewed pointed out that the biggest complaints about Common Core was that parents were upset that the children were whining, having difficulty with the concepts, upset about their homework. And this educator pointed out that this is the job of a parent, to make the kids DO the homework, to help them learn the hard concepts, and not to let the kid's whining stop them from that goal.
BRILLIANT!
Why didn't I think of that?
OK... so here's what I think. There's a saying, "if you look good while you're exercising, you are not exercising hard enough"... I think maybe we should apply this principle to parenting and whining... "if your kids are not whining, you're not parenting properly"... hmmm... maybe it'll work.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
The world's best organizing secret
No exaggeration. This past few weeks I have been going through my closets, as I have done for about a decade, and realized that this helpful hint needs to be shared with as many people as possible!
Every year, at the beginning of the year (or whenever you choose to designate as your cleaning day... spring cleaning? Birthday cleaning? for me... it's a New year's resolution cleaning...), turn around all of your hangers. Instead of putting them onto the rod from the front, as you're used to, turn them so that you have to hook them over the rod from behind. Put all of your things from shelves onto a bottom or top shelf. Cram them in if you have to. And put all of the things from your drawers into as few drawers as you can manage.
Every time you need something, get it out. When you wash it, put it back away in it's proper place.
By the end of the year, the things you WEAR will be in their proper place. The things you haven't cared enough about to bother to wear within the past year will still be on backwards hangars, on the bottom (or top) shelf that's hard to reach, or crammed into the bottom drawer.
Purge those things. Either give them away, or toss them, or sell them at a yard sale. For things you can't envision parting with (a favorite old silk blouse), it's ok to keep them if you are a seamstress who wants to use it for a quilt, but take it out of your closet and put it into your quilting project stash. Be very picky about what you are willing to add to your stash.
There will be a few exceptions to this rule... the formal dress that you did not have a chance to wear because you didn't go to any formal events this year... the interview suit that, likewise, did not see any interviews. But more often, the reason you did not wear something is that you saw a little stain on it, or the collar doesn't stand up nicely any more, or there is a problem with the hem and you don't like it enough to fix it. Or maybe it's no longer your size and you're hoping to get back into it someday. (for those, understand that the day you can fit into skinny clothes again, you will prefer a newer, more updated wardrobe choice than the old skinny clothes that are the style of a decade ago.)
You will have to say "goodbye" to socks without mates undergarments that have holes in them, and pants that lost their shape. But recognize that if you have not worn these things in a full year, you will most likely never wear them. Let them monopolize valuable real estate in someone ELSE's closet! You can use the space in your closet to see the remaining clothing more clearly, organize yourself and ... well, fill it up.
I mean, if you threw away your formerly favorite white sweater because it had a stain on it and you couldn't wear it for the past year, but you really love having a white sweater and consider it as a staple in your closet, you now have space to bring in a new, WEAR-able white sweater!
And honestly, you will never know how great it feels to drive to the Salvation Army with a trunkload of stuff that used to clutter up your closet, until you've done it once. After that, you'll be hooked.
Every year, at the beginning of the year (or whenever you choose to designate as your cleaning day... spring cleaning? Birthday cleaning? for me... it's a New year's resolution cleaning...), turn around all of your hangers. Instead of putting them onto the rod from the front, as you're used to, turn them so that you have to hook them over the rod from behind. Put all of your things from shelves onto a bottom or top shelf. Cram them in if you have to. And put all of the things from your drawers into as few drawers as you can manage.
Every time you need something, get it out. When you wash it, put it back away in it's proper place.
By the end of the year, the things you WEAR will be in their proper place. The things you haven't cared enough about to bother to wear within the past year will still be on backwards hangars, on the bottom (or top) shelf that's hard to reach, or crammed into the bottom drawer.
Purge those things. Either give them away, or toss them, or sell them at a yard sale. For things you can't envision parting with (a favorite old silk blouse), it's ok to keep them if you are a seamstress who wants to use it for a quilt, but take it out of your closet and put it into your quilting project stash. Be very picky about what you are willing to add to your stash.
There will be a few exceptions to this rule... the formal dress that you did not have a chance to wear because you didn't go to any formal events this year... the interview suit that, likewise, did not see any interviews. But more often, the reason you did not wear something is that you saw a little stain on it, or the collar doesn't stand up nicely any more, or there is a problem with the hem and you don't like it enough to fix it. Or maybe it's no longer your size and you're hoping to get back into it someday. (for those, understand that the day you can fit into skinny clothes again, you will prefer a newer, more updated wardrobe choice than the old skinny clothes that are the style of a decade ago.)
You will have to say "goodbye" to socks without mates undergarments that have holes in them, and pants that lost their shape. But recognize that if you have not worn these things in a full year, you will most likely never wear them. Let them monopolize valuable real estate in someone ELSE's closet! You can use the space in your closet to see the remaining clothing more clearly, organize yourself and ... well, fill it up.
I mean, if you threw away your formerly favorite white sweater because it had a stain on it and you couldn't wear it for the past year, but you really love having a white sweater and consider it as a staple in your closet, you now have space to bring in a new, WEAR-able white sweater!
And honestly, you will never know how great it feels to drive to the Salvation Army with a trunkload of stuff that used to clutter up your closet, until you've done it once. After that, you'll be hooked.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Adoption
Wayne & I have this feeling that we are not quite finished with parenting. For what it's worth, his own children choose not to soak in the opportunities that our parenting could provide. Their birth mother, Wayne's ex, has given them some information about how to be an adult, that conflicts with the information we've given to them. I'm astounded at the things they come up with from time to time, more astounded by the stuff they've come up with after a recent visit from her, but I've learned to live with the fact that they will always think we're pretty stupid and boring for thinking that a J-O-B is an important thing, and a TRIP TO EUROPE is something that comes after years of working, planning and saving up for it. We will never convince them that the summer before a last year of college is NOT their last chance for fun in life before the drudgery starts, but...
We hope they will eventually all be happily employed, and that the drudgery they anticipate will not be as bad as they fear. At this point, we have more energy to provide information than they have willingness to take.
So what does a parent do when they have more parenting in them than children available? They consider adoption. Well, not all do, some just consider waiting for the opportunity to be a grandparent, but we think grandparenting is the proper moment to spoil a child, and we hope that our older children will be launched, at least further than they are at the moment, before grandchildren arrive.
Before I met Wayne, I was considering adoption as a single parent, and several years ago, when I mentioned it to him, he thought it was nutty, until I mentioned that I had no intention of starting from scratch, at day one. I do NOT want to adopt an infant. I am selfish enough that I want to be able to retire someday. And I would like to have the kids finished with college before social security sets in... or at least close to finished. I don't want to be attending undergraduate graduation parties at age 75! Once he hear that, and realized how many young people are stranded without families at very vulnerable ages, he decided that it was a good idea.
We started with foster care, and got a home study for foster-adoption. With the groups of kids (some sibling groups) that have come through our house, we've developed a feel for how to manage certain issues with children who have come from a chaotic environment. If normal parents need to be pretty organized in order to maintain a sense of security in their household, then foster parents need to be extremely organized. Certain forms of discipline are not permitted... frankly, forms of discipline that I had never considered are on the "unpermitted" list, so that's not much of a problem, but when you see the "unpermitted" list, you start to think... so.. if not that, then HOW?...
In most cases, anticipating the issues and resolving them before they become issues is a big tactic. First, it's tough for kids to just take whatever shows up on their plate at dinner time. It's a whole lot easier if they have time to anticipate and think through the dinner plans. So we have a basic plan for every week. Tacos on Tuesdays, for example, and Pizza on Fridays. When we're just on our own, we are a little loose about the schedule But if we have kids in the house, we post the schedule on a calendar and teach it to them. Knowing what's going to be on the plate solves a ton of tantrums when it's not the mac & cheese that they were hoping for.
Another food-related rule... we have the kids help us prepare the vegetables. Usually in the form of a salad. Since vegetables tend to be a challenging thing for children to eat, we get their hands involved in the making of it. They get to taste the dressings and put a few nuts or raisins on the lettuce. They get to taste the little popcorn tomatoes and feel how they pop in their mouth, and choose whether to put them on the salad or maybe try the on the side with some dressing to dip in. We find that if they help make the salads and we all eat it around the breakfast bar while we're cooking up the rest of the dinner, they get a whole lot more vegetables into their tummies before they even know what hit them!
And then dessert only happens after they've eaten enough of what is on their plate. They don't need to save space for dessert, they can have it an hour after dinner, but they don't get dessert until they have eaten at least an appropriate amount of the nutritious dinner that we have made. Whether or not they are allowed to eat the sweets is entirely their choice. If they whine that they're hungry, they can finish their dinner (we can warm it up for them), and if they whine that they want their dessert, we tell them that they can have dessert as soon as dinner is finished. It's as simple as that, and while it does not entirely cut out all whining, we have effectively cut down on it by a giant step. Given that the kids we get in our house are children who have been raised on diets that are often VERY MUCH NOT LIKE what we usually eat. Maybe they eat potatoes for every meal, or McDonald's happy meals 7 dinners a week... or mac & cheese as a staple. The fact that they will not get exactly what their chaotic previous home gave them, makes mealtime difficult from the start, so every little step we can make in helping the kids understand and be more comfortable and willing to eat and participate, the better.
A clutter rule... anything not put away properly (after warnings) goes to jail. It simply disappears. If they ask for it, then they don't get it back until 24 hours passes. This works well for a favorite jacket that didn't get hung up, or a toy they were playing with and didn't put away. If they let it drop where it landed and did not put it away despite my reminders, it will disappear. After they ask if I know where it is, I tell them that it's went to our jail for being out of place, and now that they're noticed it and want it back, they need to wait until the next day. "This time tomorrow, you can have it back." It becomes a little game. But they know they'll get it back and can anticipate the fun of having it again. And we can discuss where it lives so that they won't it again.
Yes, this kind of parenting is more intensive, requires more work, more listening to whining... cooking for ourselves, making whatever we have ingredients for, putting it on the table without having to supervise them doing the cooking... yelling about stuff that's not put away or putting it away to avoid the yelling... it all makes the chores easier to accomplish, but these things do not teach the children how to manage things... how to eat what is fixed for them by someone who is not a short-order cook... how to clean up after themselves.
The theory is that if you do this enough, they'll eventually require less supervision. The reality is that as they learn these lessons, there are others that we need to impart, other labor-intensive parenting tasks that will help the kids get a step closer towards adulthood, independence, success. If we do it right, it's labor intensive. But we've done it with a few kids so far, in relatively short term (1-3 months long), and so far it's successful. No need to do all the "no-nos" when you parent like this. No withholding of food or sending them to bed without their dinner, if you avoid the food struggle before it starts, you know?
We hope they will eventually all be happily employed, and that the drudgery they anticipate will not be as bad as they fear. At this point, we have more energy to provide information than they have willingness to take.
So what does a parent do when they have more parenting in them than children available? They consider adoption. Well, not all do, some just consider waiting for the opportunity to be a grandparent, but we think grandparenting is the proper moment to spoil a child, and we hope that our older children will be launched, at least further than they are at the moment, before grandchildren arrive.
Before I met Wayne, I was considering adoption as a single parent, and several years ago, when I mentioned it to him, he thought it was nutty, until I mentioned that I had no intention of starting from scratch, at day one. I do NOT want to adopt an infant. I am selfish enough that I want to be able to retire someday. And I would like to have the kids finished with college before social security sets in... or at least close to finished. I don't want to be attending undergraduate graduation parties at age 75! Once he hear that, and realized how many young people are stranded without families at very vulnerable ages, he decided that it was a good idea.
We started with foster care, and got a home study for foster-adoption. With the groups of kids (some sibling groups) that have come through our house, we've developed a feel for how to manage certain issues with children who have come from a chaotic environment. If normal parents need to be pretty organized in order to maintain a sense of security in their household, then foster parents need to be extremely organized. Certain forms of discipline are not permitted... frankly, forms of discipline that I had never considered are on the "unpermitted" list, so that's not much of a problem, but when you see the "unpermitted" list, you start to think... so.. if not that, then HOW?...
In most cases, anticipating the issues and resolving them before they become issues is a big tactic. First, it's tough for kids to just take whatever shows up on their plate at dinner time. It's a whole lot easier if they have time to anticipate and think through the dinner plans. So we have a basic plan for every week. Tacos on Tuesdays, for example, and Pizza on Fridays. When we're just on our own, we are a little loose about the schedule But if we have kids in the house, we post the schedule on a calendar and teach it to them. Knowing what's going to be on the plate solves a ton of tantrums when it's not the mac & cheese that they were hoping for.
Another food-related rule... we have the kids help us prepare the vegetables. Usually in the form of a salad. Since vegetables tend to be a challenging thing for children to eat, we get their hands involved in the making of it. They get to taste the dressings and put a few nuts or raisins on the lettuce. They get to taste the little popcorn tomatoes and feel how they pop in their mouth, and choose whether to put them on the salad or maybe try the on the side with some dressing to dip in. We find that if they help make the salads and we all eat it around the breakfast bar while we're cooking up the rest of the dinner, they get a whole lot more vegetables into their tummies before they even know what hit them!
And then dessert only happens after they've eaten enough of what is on their plate. They don't need to save space for dessert, they can have it an hour after dinner, but they don't get dessert until they have eaten at least an appropriate amount of the nutritious dinner that we have made. Whether or not they are allowed to eat the sweets is entirely their choice. If they whine that they're hungry, they can finish their dinner (we can warm it up for them), and if they whine that they want their dessert, we tell them that they can have dessert as soon as dinner is finished. It's as simple as that, and while it does not entirely cut out all whining, we have effectively cut down on it by a giant step. Given that the kids we get in our house are children who have been raised on diets that are often VERY MUCH NOT LIKE what we usually eat. Maybe they eat potatoes for every meal, or McDonald's happy meals 7 dinners a week... or mac & cheese as a staple. The fact that they will not get exactly what their chaotic previous home gave them, makes mealtime difficult from the start, so every little step we can make in helping the kids understand and be more comfortable and willing to eat and participate, the better.
A clutter rule... anything not put away properly (after warnings) goes to jail. It simply disappears. If they ask for it, then they don't get it back until 24 hours passes. This works well for a favorite jacket that didn't get hung up, or a toy they were playing with and didn't put away. If they let it drop where it landed and did not put it away despite my reminders, it will disappear. After they ask if I know where it is, I tell them that it's went to our jail for being out of place, and now that they're noticed it and want it back, they need to wait until the next day. "This time tomorrow, you can have it back." It becomes a little game. But they know they'll get it back and can anticipate the fun of having it again. And we can discuss where it lives so that they won't it again.
Yes, this kind of parenting is more intensive, requires more work, more listening to whining... cooking for ourselves, making whatever we have ingredients for, putting it on the table without having to supervise them doing the cooking... yelling about stuff that's not put away or putting it away to avoid the yelling... it all makes the chores easier to accomplish, but these things do not teach the children how to manage things... how to eat what is fixed for them by someone who is not a short-order cook... how to clean up after themselves.
The theory is that if you do this enough, they'll eventually require less supervision. The reality is that as they learn these lessons, there are others that we need to impart, other labor-intensive parenting tasks that will help the kids get a step closer towards adulthood, independence, success. If we do it right, it's labor intensive. But we've done it with a few kids so far, in relatively short term (1-3 months long), and so far it's successful. No need to do all the "no-nos" when you parent like this. No withholding of food or sending them to bed without their dinner, if you avoid the food struggle before it starts, you know?
dogs & kids ... not so different
I just read an article in Modern Dog magazine about how there are groups of therapy dogs who help children learn about bullying. In general, the dog and handler will spend an hour a day for a week in a class, where the handler will teach the children about how to be a good pet owner. They use this opportunity to teach the children any number of interesting concepts. In this case, mostly concepts about bullying. How to recognize it, how bullies often start by being mean to pets or other animals, how bullies behave and how bullying can be stopped. It is easy and natural for a child to feel empathy & become protective of an animal, some will recognize that they have been bullies, others recognize that they have been bullied. And others have watched bullying and not known what to do. This program helps them learn how to intervene, and to choose to intervene in the first place.
Apparently, the program can work miracles. I believe it.
I have used dogs to teach another issue... about our internal energies, and our food needs, and our socialization and our need for discipline and to know our place in life.
Dogs need to be fed healthy food. They will eat what you give them, and if you give them junk, you will end up with an unhealthy dog.
Dogs need a certain amount of exercise. Inertia is not natural. We train ourselves and dogs to learn to sit quietly, but naturally, both people and dogs have a certain amount of energy that they want to work out. Learning to self-regulate behavior without taking the opportunity to work off this natural energy, is counterproductive. We end up feeling stressed, distracted, and even physically uncomfortable. We self-medicate with foods that cause sluggishness, and we wonder why our society has started being more pudgy than healthy.
If we do not give our dogs enough opportunity to work off their energy, we end up with a chewy, yippy dog. The same happens with children... oh, you're right, they probably won't chew up your shoes if you don't take them for a morning walk, but ... just try this experiment. For one week after school, bring them home, sit them down, make them do their homework immediately and don't let them bounce around. You'll see distracted, frustrated children whose adrenaline is not being worked off... the next week, bring them home from school and have them do 45 minutes of physical activity, then give them 15 minutes to calm down, before they sit down and do their homework... I'll BET you see less of the chewy-puppy-like behavior and a lot more calmness.
But start also looking at the other aspects of responsible dog ownership and you'll see more similarities. Dogs need to be properly socialized. So do humans. Dogs need to have consistent, easy-to understand rules with many reminders... so do young humans. Dogs respond better to positive behavior controls rather than physical punishment... don't be surprised to hear that humans ALSO respond better to positive behavior controls.
My dog knows that treats come to good puppies, and pups who jump up on visitors do not get treats. Pups only get treats if they sit properly and politely. (oh yeah, and treats for her are less about food and more about praise, attention, or the opportunity to play fetch).
And children in my house know that if they want to watch TV or use any electronic device, they need to finish their homework first. If they want to fuss & delay over the homework, the ability to watch TV or play video games will be delayed until they have finished their work first.
It's not a perfect system, but it's amazingly effective, and all done without anyone ever having to worry about time out, or spanking, or yelling... Like I said, it's not perfect. I've had a dog bark at me because I'm not throwing the Frisbee fast enough... or a child yell because she really does not feel like doing her homework right now... but there is always a choice. I'll throw the Frisbee after you stop barking, we'll turn on the TV once the homework is finished... you can keep barking or yelling or delaying as long as you want. I'm fine with that. When you're ready, we can get on with the fun.
Of course, if the dog is too full of barking or the child is too full of bouncing, maybe I've not given them enough activity, and so if I want to encourage them to succeed, I need to re-think my organization. Make sure they've worked off their friskies before I expect them to be able to sit quietly... it's not rocket science.
Apparently, the program can work miracles. I believe it.
I have used dogs to teach another issue... about our internal energies, and our food needs, and our socialization and our need for discipline and to know our place in life.
Dogs need to be fed healthy food. They will eat what you give them, and if you give them junk, you will end up with an unhealthy dog.
Dogs need a certain amount of exercise. Inertia is not natural. We train ourselves and dogs to learn to sit quietly, but naturally, both people and dogs have a certain amount of energy that they want to work out. Learning to self-regulate behavior without taking the opportunity to work off this natural energy, is counterproductive. We end up feeling stressed, distracted, and even physically uncomfortable. We self-medicate with foods that cause sluggishness, and we wonder why our society has started being more pudgy than healthy.
If we do not give our dogs enough opportunity to work off their energy, we end up with a chewy, yippy dog. The same happens with children... oh, you're right, they probably won't chew up your shoes if you don't take them for a morning walk, but ... just try this experiment. For one week after school, bring them home, sit them down, make them do their homework immediately and don't let them bounce around. You'll see distracted, frustrated children whose adrenaline is not being worked off... the next week, bring them home from school and have them do 45 minutes of physical activity, then give them 15 minutes to calm down, before they sit down and do their homework... I'll BET you see less of the chewy-puppy-like behavior and a lot more calmness.
But start also looking at the other aspects of responsible dog ownership and you'll see more similarities. Dogs need to be properly socialized. So do humans. Dogs need to have consistent, easy-to understand rules with many reminders... so do young humans. Dogs respond better to positive behavior controls rather than physical punishment... don't be surprised to hear that humans ALSO respond better to positive behavior controls.
My dog knows that treats come to good puppies, and pups who jump up on visitors do not get treats. Pups only get treats if they sit properly and politely. (oh yeah, and treats for her are less about food and more about praise, attention, or the opportunity to play fetch).
And children in my house know that if they want to watch TV or use any electronic device, they need to finish their homework first. If they want to fuss & delay over the homework, the ability to watch TV or play video games will be delayed until they have finished their work first.
It's not a perfect system, but it's amazingly effective, and all done without anyone ever having to worry about time out, or spanking, or yelling... Like I said, it's not perfect. I've had a dog bark at me because I'm not throwing the Frisbee fast enough... or a child yell because she really does not feel like doing her homework right now... but there is always a choice. I'll throw the Frisbee after you stop barking, we'll turn on the TV once the homework is finished... you can keep barking or yelling or delaying as long as you want. I'm fine with that. When you're ready, we can get on with the fun.
Of course, if the dog is too full of barking or the child is too full of bouncing, maybe I've not given them enough activity, and so if I want to encourage them to succeed, I need to re-think my organization. Make sure they've worked off their friskies before I expect them to be able to sit quietly... it's not rocket science.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
The bathroom remodel
3 years ago, when we bought this house, we knew the master bath needed to be remodeled. It was awful, 4 X 8 feet with a tiny shower, a child-sized toilet and a sink that was pushed into a corner where the door swung open. The medicine cabinet was... scary, as was the space in the cabinet beneath the sink... which was just a façade for the fact that no one had ever built a real cabinet down there. It was creepy and uncomfortable. Luckily, the adjacent master bedroom had another 9 feet worth of space we could push into, making it an 8 by 13 ft bath when we could remodel.
It took us 3 years to save up for the remodel.
But by the time we saved up, we lost steam in doing our own home improvements. So we talked to contractors. Sadly, the best price we could get for the full re-do was $37,000... WAY more than we wanted to pay (and more than we had saved up), and there would be nothing special about the bathroom. The tile would be ceramic (we wanted glass, or marble, something DIFFERENT)... the tub would be ordinary, no jets. The sinks and cabinets would be from stock, and the countertop would be ... some kind of solid surface, at least they weren't pricing out for formica!
So we had no choice. Take on the task of designing and sourcing the materials, and hire professionals to do the work that we didn't want to do. We couldn't find a decent tiler who would do the glass tile shower surround that we wanted, so... I have a tile saw, so I thought we could do it. And as long as we were at it, we might as well do the floor for ourselves.
As time arrived to do it, the plumber and electricians were finished with their preliminary work, and the carpenter had finished out the walls and sub-flooring... I got cold feet. Cutting GLASS requires a special wet saw blade. The USUAL wet saw blade would cause chipping and shattering and shards of glass flying as I tried to cut... at least that was the story. I ordered a medium-priced (about $25) glass wet saw blade and hoped for the best.
We started with the floor and tub surround, which were to be marble. Our neighbors thought we'd never finish. I think we cut and placed maybe 4-5 tiles a night (I'm exaggerating, but it FELT that slow). It took 4 weeks, considering that we were working evenings and weekends, working around weekends spent visiting my Dad and seeing my stepson's college graduation, and every other special event that we could use as an excuse to push the work aside.
Eventually, we got around to doing the glass work. We changed the sawblade and went at it. It was a TON easier than I thought. 3 evenings and one weekend to finish up... And I have A FEW tips to help anyone stop the shattering/cracking that glass tile is so notorious for... besides getting the right sawblade... go slow! So here it is, freshly grouted: (more tips after the photo!
OK, now for a few more tips... when you're using a circular sawblade, the cut comes into your tile in a slanted fashion. To make a clean edge that is at a right angle to the tile surface, CAREFULLY hold the tile in two hands, pull the sawblade up and lock it into the UP position. Then turn it on, wait till the water starts running, and ease your slanted edge up to the blade at a right angle. Keep your fingers away from the spot you're working and DON"T PUSH. If you push, you're going too fast, it might crack/shatter, and worse, you might find yourself pushing your own hands in the direction of the whirling blade! NOT GOOD. So just gently ease the tile up next to the blade, as if you're using the edge of the blade to polish it. The glass in that awkward angle will be shaved away.
We were getting a glass shower surround. The glass people said they will not drill through the glass, that we would have to remove the glass tiles and somehow replace them around the surround's anchors. THAT wouldn't work for us. So we decided to run a "frame" of marble from the floor & tub surround, up the walls to act as a stable anchor for the surround installers to drill through. The issue was that ... same problem as always... glass tile shatters. The surround installers have had enough experience with this that they know it's nearly impossible to properly drill a hole through a glass tile to install the surround. They let you figure out the solution to the problem, whether it's to remove the tile and have them install without it, then replace the tile when they're finished, or to use an opaque ceramic tile in the location of their anchors rather than the glass tile in the rest of the surround, OR... get creative, like we did. And here is the really important part... we hired a good subcontractor who knew what they were doing, to measure, manufacture and install the shower surround. For the price we paid, we were smart to listen to their expertise. We could beg and whine and convince them to install it through the glass tile (we'd have to sign a waiver of liability for damage to the tile before they'd do it), but we'd be missing the most important part of hiring someone who is good at their job... taking their advice. Instead, we took their advice, got creative, and ended up with what I think is a nicer and more interesting look... a finished edge for our glass tile shower stall.
The accent tile we chose ended up being a smart choice. That was by accident. We had several choices, some were a combination of different materials, and some were all glass. I liked the combination, because it was more interesting, but the all glass choice had colors that were more exactly matching the rest of the tile... We made a choice and had it delivered, but because it had taken so long to finish the floor, as we approached the accent part of the shower stall, I had forgotten what we chose. After working with the glass sawblade for a while, I realized I could not cut through the accent tile that was made of different materials... both glass and marble... with my special glass cutting blade. For the low price, it came with a warning never to use it to cut anything other than glass or else you'd ruin the surface for the glass cutting task, a multi-use glass sawblade would have been 4 times the price! When we got them out of the packaging, I was relieved, we had chosen the mosaic that was ALL glass tiles (less interesting, but a better match for the color). By lucky accident, I could accomplish the task of cutting the tiny little edges of the mosaic pieces without switching saw blades back & forth for each edge. GREAT! It made the job a TON faster.
As I type this, the surround guys are in the bathroom, drilling through my marble frame. I HOPE our creative solution works. I guess I'll find out later! Wish us luck.
It took us 3 years to save up for the remodel.
But by the time we saved up, we lost steam in doing our own home improvements. So we talked to contractors. Sadly, the best price we could get for the full re-do was $37,000... WAY more than we wanted to pay (and more than we had saved up), and there would be nothing special about the bathroom. The tile would be ceramic (we wanted glass, or marble, something DIFFERENT)... the tub would be ordinary, no jets. The sinks and cabinets would be from stock, and the countertop would be ... some kind of solid surface, at least they weren't pricing out for formica!
So we had no choice. Take on the task of designing and sourcing the materials, and hire professionals to do the work that we didn't want to do. We couldn't find a decent tiler who would do the glass tile shower surround that we wanted, so... I have a tile saw, so I thought we could do it. And as long as we were at it, we might as well do the floor for ourselves.
As time arrived to do it, the plumber and electricians were finished with their preliminary work, and the carpenter had finished out the walls and sub-flooring... I got cold feet. Cutting GLASS requires a special wet saw blade. The USUAL wet saw blade would cause chipping and shattering and shards of glass flying as I tried to cut... at least that was the story. I ordered a medium-priced (about $25) glass wet saw blade and hoped for the best.
We started with the floor and tub surround, which were to be marble. Our neighbors thought we'd never finish. I think we cut and placed maybe 4-5 tiles a night (I'm exaggerating, but it FELT that slow). It took 4 weeks, considering that we were working evenings and weekends, working around weekends spent visiting my Dad and seeing my stepson's college graduation, and every other special event that we could use as an excuse to push the work aside.
Eventually, we got around to doing the glass work. We changed the sawblade and went at it. It was a TON easier than I thought. 3 evenings and one weekend to finish up... And I have A FEW tips to help anyone stop the shattering/cracking that glass tile is so notorious for... besides getting the right sawblade... go slow! So here it is, freshly grouted: (more tips after the photo!
We were getting a glass shower surround. The glass people said they will not drill through the glass, that we would have to remove the glass tiles and somehow replace them around the surround's anchors. THAT wouldn't work for us. So we decided to run a "frame" of marble from the floor & tub surround, up the walls to act as a stable anchor for the surround installers to drill through. The issue was that ... same problem as always... glass tile shatters. The surround installers have had enough experience with this that they know it's nearly impossible to properly drill a hole through a glass tile to install the surround. They let you figure out the solution to the problem, whether it's to remove the tile and have them install without it, then replace the tile when they're finished, or to use an opaque ceramic tile in the location of their anchors rather than the glass tile in the rest of the surround, OR... get creative, like we did. And here is the really important part... we hired a good subcontractor who knew what they were doing, to measure, manufacture and install the shower surround. For the price we paid, we were smart to listen to their expertise. We could beg and whine and convince them to install it through the glass tile (we'd have to sign a waiver of liability for damage to the tile before they'd do it), but we'd be missing the most important part of hiring someone who is good at their job... taking their advice. Instead, we took their advice, got creative, and ended up with what I think is a nicer and more interesting look... a finished edge for our glass tile shower stall.
The accent tile we chose ended up being a smart choice. That was by accident. We had several choices, some were a combination of different materials, and some were all glass. I liked the combination, because it was more interesting, but the all glass choice had colors that were more exactly matching the rest of the tile... We made a choice and had it delivered, but because it had taken so long to finish the floor, as we approached the accent part of the shower stall, I had forgotten what we chose. After working with the glass sawblade for a while, I realized I could not cut through the accent tile that was made of different materials... both glass and marble... with my special glass cutting blade. For the low price, it came with a warning never to use it to cut anything other than glass or else you'd ruin the surface for the glass cutting task, a multi-use glass sawblade would have been 4 times the price! When we got them out of the packaging, I was relieved, we had chosen the mosaic that was ALL glass tiles (less interesting, but a better match for the color). By lucky accident, I could accomplish the task of cutting the tiny little edges of the mosaic pieces without switching saw blades back & forth for each edge. GREAT! It made the job a TON faster.
As I type this, the surround guys are in the bathroom, drilling through my marble frame. I HOPE our creative solution works. I guess I'll find out later! Wish us luck.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Single serving, oatmeal-free apple crisp
We are foster parents. The house can go from 2 adults to 2 adults & 2 kids before you can say "boo", and with new children in the house, you don't know if they go bananas when they eat sweets or not, so this fruit-based dessert is perfect, and the recipe can be altered to suit how many people are coming to dinner. The kids can help make it and they love that... plus they love how easy it is to make a fancy dessert. And every ingredient is a staple in our house. We've ALWAYS got apples in the fruit bowl, butter in the freezer, brown sugar & flour in the pantry, and cinnamon in the spice cabinet. It's a no-brainer... a modification of my Grandma Lindquist's recipe.
About one apple for 2 people (Granny Smith apples are GREAT for this). For one apple, get 2 ramekins... About 2 tablespoons of unsalted butter. About 1/4 cup of brown sugar and 1/4 cup of flour. Cinnamon. A pinch of salt.
Your choice, pecans, Walnuts, raisins, craisins.
Peel, core & slice the apple. Put the apples in individual ramekins. sprinkle cinnamon on them & toss. If you're using raising, walnuts, craisins or pecans, put about a tablespoonful in each ramekin. Mash the rest of the ingredients together with a fork, add more cinnamon (we LOVE spice in this household), divide & crumble over each of the two ramekins.
Cook at 350 degrees for a half hour.
About one apple for 2 people (Granny Smith apples are GREAT for this). For one apple, get 2 ramekins... About 2 tablespoons of unsalted butter. About 1/4 cup of brown sugar and 1/4 cup of flour. Cinnamon. A pinch of salt.
Your choice, pecans, Walnuts, raisins, craisins.
Peel, core & slice the apple. Put the apples in individual ramekins. sprinkle cinnamon on them & toss. If you're using raising, walnuts, craisins or pecans, put about a tablespoonful in each ramekin. Mash the rest of the ingredients together with a fork, add more cinnamon (we LOVE spice in this household), divide & crumble over each of the two ramekins.
Cook at 350 degrees for a half hour.
Notice that the one on the right looks different from the one on the left. I just made these for Wayne & myself. This recipe allows you to personalize each one. He likes more pecans and less topping, I like more topping. YUM!
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